The lady suggested that despite my smug mug and the glowing review I received in the latest issue of The Petentials Press, I might want to settle down and determine what I'm looking for in a bird (and by bird I mean a lass, not what I drool at the sight of when patrolling the oak trees out back).

And lately I've been feeling especially lonely when the lady leaves the house, so I do guess it's time to give this some serious thought to my ideal companion. So here goes -- a list of my desires:

(1) You should be a lap cat and like to cudde.
(2) You should have an above-average interest in cosmetology, specifically grooming hair and Shiatsu massage (or kneading/making bread if you call it that)
(3) You should be OK with autonomy in our relationship, whether that means tanning on different parts of the porch or allowing me going to the pub for milk pints with the lads
(4) You should like to sing, because kitty cat vocals are the only thing that shuts the lady up and would give us privacy (because she goes to another room)
(5) You should be willing to join the rock band I want to start. Of course, I'll be on the drums.

To that end, you must be an irresistible bit of crumpet that will look good on the Billboard Top 10.